Category: Articles

Articles on the profession of counselling & psychotherapy.

Categories
LGBT Sexuality

October 21st to 25th – Ally Week

21-25 Oct 2013 - Ally Week

Thought this might be a worthy exercise to define this poster’s terms… corrections & suggestions are welcome in the comments section 🙂

 

21-25 Oct 2013 - Ally Week
21-25 Oct 2013 – Ally Week

 

Gay: men who are sexually attracted to… and wishing intimate relationships with men. Often doesn’t include MWHSWM (“Men who have sex with men”).

Lesbian: men who are sexually attracted to… and wishing intimate relationships with men. Often doesn’t include WWHSWW (“Women who have sex with Women”).

Bisexual: a person who is sexually attracted to… and wishing intimate relationships with … people of any gender.

Transgender: A person who has changed their physicality to a different gender from birth. May not include intersex. May not have any reference to the person’s sexuality.

Intersex: A person with genitals of either gender, sometimes in different states (eg a person with a greater penis and a lesser vagina may be intersex but has been nominated (or has chosen to be) male)

Pansexual: A person who does not limit or inhibit themselves in sexual choice with regard to gender or activity.

Asexual: A person who has no (or little) evidence of sexuality (but who still has gender).

 

Not included on this poser is:

Genderless/Androgyne: a person whose gender does not fit in (nearly) with female/male definition.

Categories
Humour

Psychobitches – Amalia Freud

If you get the opportunity to see Sky Art’s “Psychobitches” during a repeat, take it!

Originally a one-off 30-minute episode in 2012, the producers expanded it in 2013 with a series of 5 x 30 minute episodes.

It’s not currently available on DVD – but we can hope it will be soon.

If YouTube doesn’t remove it, here’s an example: Alalia Freud (Sigmund’s mother) played with a suitably innocent-yet-creepy style by Selina Griffiths.  

Maybe this explains a lot…

Categories
Humour

How are you feeling today?

I thought this cartoon might be helpful for those whom find the question “How are you feeling today?” perplexing to answer. Not everyone can identify or name their feelings.

 
Illustrator Unknown
Illustrator Unknown
Categories
Couple Relationships

“It’s him that’s the problem, not me!”

What Couple Counselling Cannot Achieve On Your Behalf.

This is a brief comment – based upon many experiences of new couples coming into counselling for the first time – and is more about emotional conflicts between couples (as to actual physical harm, which comes more under heading of law than therapy).

Here it is … are you ready … this is it:
     No-one can be changed in order to suit you.

There … that was a couple counsellor’s wisdom (perhaps).

Denial of Participation.

You see, a common situation that couples bring into counselling “it’s my partner that’s the problem.  If he/she would only just change then we will be happy.”

Let me reword that comment: “I am not part of this relationship’s problem; this is solely the responsibility of that person sitting there, not me.  I believe that I am not a part of this problem being created or existing, so I will have no part in its resolution.”

True? A little harsh? Real?

I wonder where has the relationship gone when someone announces that they are not part of a relationship’s conflicts. From a systemic point of view, every member of a relationship has an influence over events (whether they are aware of it or not).

So, a person cannot be changed on your behalf.  You cannot bring your partner into counselling and ask the counsellor to change the partner for you.  As much as you desire it, it is not going to happen.  That will be loss for you … but all is not lost.

Acceptance of Participation.

There are two options to consider from this point:-

Option 1) You can make a request of another person to consider altering their behaviour.  That person can choose to comply to your request, decline it, or negotiate further with you (they may not understand their impact on you, for example). After all, you may be a participant in the problem beginning.

Option 2) You can separate from each other (“can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people that you choose to be around”).

 

Couple counselling can be a very effective way to work through insurmountable relationship conflicts … and a good couple counsellor will also help you work through loss & disappointment when you discover that what you want to be achieved cannot be done so in the way you want it to be (“It’s all his fault….”).

Categories
Gender

Does this image make you think?

There is a discussion going on LGBT Equality Worldwide’s Facebook page about the photo: “Some men have vaginas… Some women don’t have vaginas… get over it”.

This photo stretches many people’s thinking – particularly those who are used only to thinking about gender as being either ‘female’ or ‘male’.

On Facebook, some people are commenting about this photo being about ‘transvestisism’ … which others are suggesting is a misunderstanding of the word transvestite (i.e. dressing in the clothes (vest) of a gender other than one’s own (trans)).

Image © http://somoslgtbareae.wordpress.com/231/otros-cuerpos-existen/

Some people are arguing that this is as photograph of transgenderism (ie the surgical or otherwise intervention to physically change gender to match ones mentally/emotionally-identified gender), which others are pointing out the lack of visual surgical evidence.

Let me add another thought for you … intersex.

Intersex is where a person’s physical gender is not clearly definable as either male or female.  Whilst a single gender would have all the physical bits match up, Intersex is another kind of physical gender-state; sometimes with both sets of genitals, sometimes with one main one and a secondary other one.

It has been known for doctors to assign an infant’s birth gender simply based upon  visual judgement.  Some infants have been physically altered (read: have their malformed penis removed) in order to be assigned a female gender … and their parents told to bring up the child in the guise of the newly doctor-assigned gender. Gender (and sexuality) are not as easily assigned as the medical profession used to think … but then, perhaps when someone concerned with how their own ‘expertise’ comes across is faced with a new unrecognised condition, no matter of expertise will make up for, perhaps, a lack of wisdom.

Back to the photo… I’m not saying that this is a photo of intersexed couple or a partially-transgendered couple.   It is, however, a clever photograph that challenges many people’s thinking about single-assigned gender.

Oh – and despite the Facebook comments on sexuality,  notice how this photo actually shows nothing about the models’ sexualities 😉

Warning – the source website contains an uncensored version of the photo.

http://somoslgtbareae.wordpress.com/231/otros-cuerpos-existen/

 

Categories
Couple Relationships

How I wrote to my MP regarding the British Marriage (Same Sex Couples) Bill

On Thursday 24th January, 2013, the British government’s Marriage (Same Sex Couples) Bill for England and Wales was officially introduced to the House of Commons by Culture Secretary Maria Miller.

Great – I thought – now things are progressing to address the unequal, two-tier situation regarding those who have access to civil-partnerships, and those who have access to marriage.

But my mind was bugging me a bit.  Although I am a public supporter of Equal Marriage, and I tweet and Facebook about it, and my counselling practice supports it, I haven’t actually taken any direct action with regards to getting the law changed.  

I know that writing to ones MP can be a common approach, and I had not done that.  Something was holding me back.

So, today, using good CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) skills, I went through a small project of breaking down a task into smaller, manageable chunks … and I thought I’d share my process in case it helps others who might also wish to write to their MPs … if only they knew how.

Step 1 – Who is my Member of Parliament?

This turned out to be easy – visit “They Work for You” at http://www.theyworkforyou.com and pop in your postcode.

Voila – your MP!

Step 2 – What do I write?

I chose to take a slightly tongue-in-cheek approach to my opening.  It’s something I learned ages ago when one needs to get someone’s attention at the beginning of a presentation.  So I opened by redefining what others are saying about redefining marriage 😉

Other than that, I choose to take an approach that communicated my professional beliefs as a couple counsellor, practising in Hampshire and on Skype.  (BACP members – pay attention that we must not use our membership of BACP to communicate or give the impression that BACP endorses us, or our beliefs or practice, in any way.   I included my membership as it was relevant to my position in my letter to my MP).

I’ve included my letter below in case it inspires you to write you own (please use your own words and write from your own points of view – it comes across lots better than a rubber-stamp letter).

[learn_more caption=”Here’s a copy of what I wrote to Mr George Hollingbery”]

Mr George Hollingbery, House of Commons London, SW1A 0AA.

Dear Mr Hollingbery

I URGE YOU NOT TO REDEFINE MARRIAGE … but, instead, to contribute to changing laws so that what marriage represents (the social union and establishment of rights and obligations between two adults who love each other) may be extended to adult couples of the same gender.

To clarify my point: I am for the equal marriage bill. I am for marriage to be available to couples of the same gender (including those who have transitioned gender) but who are currently denied marriage due to archaic (and now somewhat anti-social) laws.
I ask you to vote “yes” in the approaching bill for equal marriage.

As an accredited member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, working in my private Hampshire practice (and world-wide over Skype video) it had been my privilege to work with all sorts of adult couple-relationships: gay/lesbian, straight, mixed-sexuality, mixed-race, same-race, differing-age, same-age, even platonic/professional couple relationships. But especially with respect to intimately-involved couples, it makes no sense to me for British society to deny any two loving adults the institution of marriage. Whilst civil-partnerships were a sensible step forward, I have come to believe how that has also created a two-tier, unequal social-platform. I believe the bill for equal marriage addresses this too (and I would also support civil partnerships for heterosexual couples).

Forgive my slightly tongue-in-cheek opening! It is a little wearing to hear much unfounded “but redefining marriage will destroy the world!” paranoia in the news; it leaves one wondering if, historically, the same unfounded fear-fuelled messages were communicated when couples of different skin colours wished their partnerships to be socially & legally accepted.

I hope you will be a part of this courageous bill to redress the current inequality of marriage and I thank you for your attention to this letter.

Yours sincerely,

Dean A. Richardson, MBACP(accred)

[/learn_more]

 

Step 3 – How do I get my message to my MP?

Easy … in step 1 there’s a link to a page that allows you to send a message directly to your MP (via email I think).

Look for the link WriteToThem.com – write your message (politely and to the point) and send it off.

NB – I began using this form, but as I neared the end of my message I realised that I actually wanted to print my letter on quality paper, put into a nicely prepared envelope  and send it through the mail.  If I’m going to ask my MP to pay attention to how important this matter is, I wanted the quality of my message to get through in the best way as it could.  Just a personal thing 🙂

Step 4 – Send … and wait for a reply.

We’re not guaranteed to receive the reply we want from our MPs.

Many other people will have written with other views – and an MP must do his or her best to represent everyone (though, in reality  he/she may try to represent the majority as this is what got him/her into his job in the first place … and will likely put him/her back there in the next election).

But, if we remember that our MPs are in parliament to represent us, not to simply represent their own personal views, then the more people who support Equal Marriage who write to their MPs, the better the chances that laws will be changed for the better.

Categories
About Counselling

Right brain: Now – Left brain: Past/Future

Helping Clients understand how our Brains control our Minds.

The video below  is a TEDTalk presentation from Jill Bolte Taylor.

Jill’s talk is about her learning from a stroke she had some ten years ago.  But the parts of her presentation that I’m discussing here are the ways in which the two hemisphere’s of the brain operate: right looks after the “now” whilst left looks after the “past” to prepare for the “future”.

 


Jill Bolte Taylor’s: “Stroke of Insight”

 

Hemispheres and what they’re responsible for.

We generally know that the Right Brain is artistic, whilst the Left brain is Logical. What’s generally less known – according to Jill Bolte Taylor (time: 00:03:00) – is that the Right Brain operates like a parallel processor, whilst the Left Brain works like a sequential processor. In other words, assuming speeds to be the same, the Right Brain operates like a Sony PS3 (many things can be processed all at the same time), whereas the Left Brain operates like the first IBM PC computers whereby one task is processed to completion before the next can begin.

For the purposes of psychotherapy, we also learn from Jill’s presentation (time: 00:03:25) that the Right Brain “is all about this present moment”; it is responsible for the “now” parts of our life.  Conversely, the Left brain “is all about the past, and all about the future”; it is responsible for remembering the past, categorising it, comparing it with what’s happening in the now and making predictions about what’s going to happen next.

I find this knowledge helpful to have in mind when new patients come to work with me in counselling; those who tell me that their pasts have no influence on their present lives.  

Patients who (need to) deny past influences.

We recognise, of course, that people who say this kind of thing have a very important need to believe it – and it’s not the therapist’s role to disavow a patient of those defences.  

It can be helpful for a client to learn that that unfortunate or distressing repeated behaviour is simply their brain trying to figure out a best course of action, based upon traumatic & historic information that is no longer applicable to the present day.

Psychotherapists following a psychodynamic/psychoanalytical model of therapy are already aware of the mis-functioning of our mind with respect to how how pasts can effect our present lives:-

  • The patient who experiences something the therapist says as inordinately wounding (“transference”).  Assuming what the therapist has said might generally be thought of as not intended to wound, we might wonder what in the patient’s past has been transferred onto the therapist as if the therapist is behaving exactly like someone the patient’s left brain has previously categorised as “that’s a wounding statement”.  We call this transference.  Nevertheless, it’s an unconscious process for the patient and the patient’s experience of us is very real … it’s just not real in the sense of the therapist’s intention.  A robust therapist can work with strong transference in order to help the patient learn that there’s a difference between what the patient experienced (one form of reality) and what was intended from the therapist (another reality) … and, together, the patient & therapist can find ways discuss what was happening in those moments.  A psychodynamic approach can be helpful here.

 

  • The patient who avoids places or situations (“deflection”) – sometimes we’re consciously aware why a place or a situation is bad for us.  Behaviours like these can become automatic – even spontaneous.  We actually don’t need our brains to say “Hello, you might be in danger, what do you want to do?” because we want them to respond on our behalf.  But when that automatic response is no longer needed, brains can be very slow in learning this.  We have to teach them that it’s OK.  A cognitive behavioural approach can be helpful here.

 

  • The patient who repeats behaviours in (subsequently failing) relationships: Couples brains respond to each other’s brains in a whizzing pattern of action & reaction.  We kinda like this when the relationship is going well (“we finish off each other’s …”, “…sentences!”).  But when behaviour becomes distressing and conflicts emerge in the relationship, our brains may be trying to protect us, but may be destroying the most valuable relationship in our lives.  Couple counselling can help a couple learn what’s going on in their relationship behaviour.  With knowledge comes choices … and with choices comes the ability to perturb the behaviour and take new directions.  A systemic approach to couple counselling can be helpful here.

Knowledge of Neurology to help Nervous Patients.

So, it’s interesting that sometimes that we can forget that our physical brain is in charge of our abstract minds.  That there are physics going on in our heads that our minds don’t know about, but that react to the physics anyway.

We’re not going mad, we’re just at the mercy of the auto-pilot running in our hemispheres.

It can helpful for people afraid of counselling (as if something magical or intrusive might be done to the insides of their heads) to understand something of the science behind the art … and Jill Bolte Taylor’s presentation can be helpful in this regard.

 

Ted Talks: Jill Bolte Taylor’s “Stroke of Insight”

Categories
Couple Relationships FAQ

Platonic-Couple Counselling (Professional & Non-intimate Relationships)

For the purposes of this article, I define a “couple” is two adults involved in a relationship … any form of relationship.

Whilst some assume that ‘couple counselling’ is only for couples in an intimate (meaning sexual) relationship, because a couple relationship does not have to be sexual,  marital or a civil-partnership, then couple counselling is also not exclusively for those only in such relationships.

Couple counselling can be very helpful to platonic relationships.

By “platonic relationships” I would include:

  • Business partners.
  • House-mates / flat-mates.
  • Neighbours.
  • Friends.

  • Parent and (adult) child.
  • Brothers / Sisters.
  • Family members
  • … any relationship where two people are involved with each other and who wish to change.

And using family systems theory as his model, Dean Richardson’s Systemic Couple Counselling for Platonic Relationships is ideal for non-intimate couple relationships wishing to change their relationship behaviour.

Systemic Couple Counselling.

Systemic couple counselling is a process that assists two people in a partnership to focus upon their relationship with a view to learning how to change the relationship for both parties’ benefit.

By being deeply interested and curious into how a relationship works, a couple (who may arrive with the story “we’ve tried everything already, how can counselling help us when we’ve already tried everything?”) can be assisted in seeing new avenues and new approaches that they had not been able to see before.

And, for platonic partners intimacy & sexual congress will likely not be a topic for discussion – though if the couple wish to discuss this too them this is available in couple counselling.

What we do in Counselling for Platonic Relationships.

  • Conversation: we use verbal communication to discuss the relationship and the changes to be negotiated.
  • Diagrams: we can use drawings (such as the Ishikawa Diagram) to visually outline how the relationship works.
  • Genograms: we can diagram family trees to document the individual’s relations’ behaviour, allowing us to identify patterns from our families of origins that are being replayed in this relationship (see Wikipedia Genogram article).
  • Role playing: we can act out different scenarios to see how they work (or don’t work).  The therapist may take on the role of one or the other partner in order to participate in changing the current relationship patterns (the observing partner can watch a different approach & be invited to comment).
  • Role Reversal: inviting both parties to swap seats and repeat something (such as a recent argument) playing the role of the other partner. This helps both parties see how they are perceived (and misunderstood/understood) by the other, inviting a conversation about what has been mis-communicated.
  • Separation: couple counselling is not bound in keeping a couple together.  If the couple are looking for a way to separate whilst negotiating responsibilities in the separation, couple counselling will support this process too.
  • Perturbation: whilst learning how the current relationship works, we aim to disturb (or ‘perturb’) the relationship behaviour to make room for new ways of behaviour and relating.

Couple Counselling is not Facilitation, Mentoring or Mediation (and vice-versa).

… but there are similarities and important over-lapping areas (in this table ‘counsellor’ refers to a [tooltip text='Systemic therapy is a branch of psychotherapy that works with families and couples in intimate and platonic relationships to nurture change and development. It tends to view change in terms of the systems of interaction between family members.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_therapy'] systemic [/tooltip] couple counsellor).

Mediation.Counselling.
Mediation is a structured process that can be restricted to a small number of sessions.Counselling can be structured too, but tends to invite the couple to decide upon the structure they wish to work in. The work tends to work on the focus of the relationship problem, rather than a set number of sessions, ending with both parties agree the work has been done.
Mediation focuses on the future: how both parties would like things to be rather than have any detailed knowledge of the past.In addition to looking to the future, counselling includes a curiosity towards how the relationship came into being how it is now. This is to support couple’s learning what contributed to the relationship’s current status, in order that the couple can put in places processes to manage recurrences.
A mediator does not overtly try to influence the participants or the outcome.The counsellor keeps the same neutral stance, but may also opt (with the couple’s permission) to “play” the part of one partner in a discussion with the other.  This allows both partners to witness a process different to their own, and invites curiosity towards the different approaches.
A mediator relies on both parties being present.The counsellor also requires both parties be present, but if it has been discussed with the couple first, meeting with one (either or both) partner on their own can be helpful provided that the other partner is brought up to date about what was discussed later on.
A mediator doesn’t explore a person’s feelings in any depth.The counsellor may explore feelings to the depths acceptable by both partners, so that either partner can learn something of how the other partner functions in response to their partner.
A mediator aims for clear agreement between the parties and how they will deal with specific issues.The counsellor also aims for clear agreements between the couple, except to get there the counsellor would assist the couple in helping them learn & understand how their relationship currently works; by being focussed on the couple’s relationship the parties can learn how to change behaviours to alter the relationship.
A mediator remains neutral.The counsellor also remains neural, whilst also being supportive of both individuals and the relationship.

It’s interesting to note that a mediator’s professional role appears to be a subset of a professional couple counsellor’s role and, of course, a couple may choose one approach over the other:-

Marriage counseling typically brings couples or partners together for joint therapy sessions. The pathology of the marital breakdown is explored and analyzed.

Marriage mediation is practical, agreement-oriented and detail-oriented. When a couple identifies specific areas of conflict on which to focus, they learn to use the mediation process to find points of agreement and negotiate conflict-reducing resolutions. Through the process of marriage mediation, couples will be developing and practicing cooperative, respectful, constructive ways of communicating and reaching accord.

(Citations from http://marriage-mediation.com/ sourced February 2nd, 2012).

… and as I am writing as a systemic & object-relations orientated couple counsellor, Marriage Mediation’s expression of marriage mediation is precisely a subset of the skills that I include in my professional role as a couple counsellor.

Dean Richardson’s development from Non-Counselling to Counselling Professional.

As this article’s author, it is my position that mediation skills are a subset of counselling skills (albeit both approaches have an important place on their own).  It is therefore interesting to notice my own development as a mediator/facilitator/coach towards practising as a professional couple counsellor…

I began as an IBM-trained business facilitator and coach.

Originally trained in the mid 1990s, my role as business facilitator was to attend meetings that had nothing to do with my own department/business (hence maintaining neutrality) and assist the meeting attendees to identify problem that got in the way of work issues and work through the problems to a resolution that the meeting attendees wanted. By the end of the 1990s, I took the role of head of the IBM UK Facilitator’s Network.

In the late 1990s and early 2000s, IBM UK introduced the concept of coaching & mentoring.  I trained to became one of a team of business coaches; the role of the coaches was to meet with certain IBM employees, whom management had identified, to support and assist the employees in aspects of their careers.

It was these roles that began my journey into becoming a BACP accredited counsellor/psychotherapist – and it’s these skills of a counsellor – and in particular my qualification in couple counselling – that I offers to couples (platonic or intimate) who are seeking assistance with their relationship (read more about Dean’s professional qualifications & experience as a couple counsellor…).

Where is Couple Counselling for Platonic Relationships Available?

Couple counselling for platonic relationships is available from Dean Richardson as follows:-

  • Portsmouth & Southsea (Hampshire): face-to-face meetings centred on the south coast in Southsea (click for location information).
  • Skype: video camera conference meetings using three Skype devices – idea for people who are in separate places, even remote countries (click for Skype information).

 

What to do next…

If you are involved in a platonic relationship with another person, that relationship is causing distress and both you and the other party would like to work on changing the relationship, make contact with Dean Richardson today to discuss options.

Categories
Counselling Ethics FAQ

Will my Counselling be Confidential?

"Naughty Secrets" © stevendepolo

I abide by and adhere to the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapy’s Ethical Framework.

As part of that framework, I practice confidentiality with all of my clinical work.  This means that you can speak with me knowing that your friends, your family, your work colleagues and so on will not get to learn what you have said in a counselling session – and neither will my friends, family, work colleagues and so on.

But … what confidentiality also means is that I will discuss your case with a strictly limited number of other professionals for sound ethical reasons.  All clients and patients of therapists should be made aware of this (as you will be during our initial meeting), but unfortunately this is not the case with some other professional therapists.  I make it a particular point to discuss what confidentiality means – and what are its boundaries – with all of my clients at the start of counselling.  During our initial meeting I will also give you a printed copy of our counselling agreement.  After all, there’s a lot to remember during our first sessions.

Because confidentiality is not just about not talking about our therapy work, our written agreement explains what confidentiality means.

For example, in addition to the ‘not discussing what we say in the room’ part of confidentiality, I will have made you aware that:

  • I meet with my choice of clinical supervisor one a month to discuss my cases and my work.
  • During my yearly quota of continued professional development (eg training courses), I may refer to certain casework in order to review of reflect upon the case  (you details will be anonymised, meaning I won’t use your name nor other identifying information).
  • UK law may require of me to break our confidentiality if I learn of something that is unlawful.

The rest of this article expands upon these matters.

Confidentiality & Supervision.

As a private practising therapist who is a member of – and accredited by – the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy, I meet with a qualified supervising counsellor once a month for a minimum of 90 minutes. This is to discuss my practice and my case load and to check that I’m working to my best, keeping with ethical principals, and dealing with dilemmas that come up in most every case.

I will, from time to time discuss your case and our work together with my supervisor – but I will have first made sure that my supervisor does not know you, or is likely to come in contact with you (say, for example, though the workplace).  I will refer to you only by your first name (or another name if you prefer).  If I cannot assure your confidentiality in this manner – for example if my supervisor knows you in the work place or socially – then I will seek supervision from another supervisor for the duration of our work together.

Confidentiality & Continued Professional Development (CPD).

In seeking additional knowledge to keep me up to date with therapeutic thinking, it is sometimes useful to refer to an aspect of a case whilst attending a training course.  If, when we discuss our agreement, you request that I do not refer to you during my CPD then I will respect this.  Even so, it’s rare to-the-point-of-never-happens nowadays for me to bring up casework willy nilly, and I make sure that anything I discuss within the confines of other therapists in the context of CPD still keeps your identity anonymous and our casework vague enough to never identify you.

Confidentiality & UK Law.

Confidentiality sometimes has to be broken if I am required to do so by law (for example if you disclose to me your intent of harming yourself or others (including children) or if you disclose intent of committing a serious criminal offence or terrorism).  This may also apply if I learn of someone else who may be being harmed or in danger, or is planning to harm others.

This does not mean that I will go running to the police the moment that I hear about something illegal, but it is part of my ethical commitments to you to inform you that the law may not protect your confidentiality.

I will intend to discuss with you of my (admittedly very rare) intent to break confidentiality of our work before I do so, but you need to be aware that the law may require that I take action first and without your consent or knowledge.

Declining your request to break confidentiality.

I have been discussing where confidentiality is maintained but expanded in the form of supervision and CPD, and have discussed UK Law where I may not be able to keep knowledge confidential.

There is another aspect: your request to reveal information about our counselling work.

Confidentiality is very important – even to ensure it is not broken in situations where you request it (for example, giving your permission to a solicitor to request that I give a report about our case work).

If we are still working together it is best for us to have a sufficiently detailed discussion of the consequences of such events before I decide how I will respond – and I will not automatically respond with a ‘yes’.  What has been, up until this moment, vital to protect needs a serious conversation about why this need has now changed.

Should our counselling work have been completed, and we are no longer in contact, if I receive a request to reveal the contents of our counselling work with a third party… even having received your permission (eg written) to do so … I may decline [if I am unable to discuss the request and its consequences with you directly].

Confidentiality – In conclusion.

Counselling is not to be taken lightly – neither by therapist nor clients.  Clinical work such as counselling and psychotherapy requires ethics, respect and the highest form of protecting both the therapist and the client’s right to feel safe during the work.

I take a particularly thoughtful approach to protecting confidentiality – and this may surprise a number of clients who may assume that (a) nothing is ever revealed about the case to anyone … or conversely (b) I will summarise our casework to anyone when the client wants me to.

Confidentiality is vital.

Categories
FAQ LGBT LGBT

Counselling for Closet Gay People

Whilst my whole website discusses confidentiality, sexuality, gender and my therapeutic practice, it would not go amiss for me to produce at least a brief post that combines all of these counselling features into providing a safe containment for one particular area of society in which I specialise as a therapist: closet gay & lesbian individuals & couples.

Website Search – close, but no cigar.

Someone arrived on this website having searched for ‘counselling for closet gay’.  In response to the query, Google sent the visitor to my search page.  My search software dutifully produced a list of pages that were mostly about counselling, some about LGBT couple therapy, some about me, but none that expressly spoke about counselling for the closet individual.

Notwithstanding I’m taking a look at my search producing software, it was very clear that the visitor had not been presented with anything about what they were looking for from my website, and they went away.

Quite rightly.

But mistakenly so.

Counselling for LGBT People.

As male counsellor who specialises in offering counselling for the specific needs of lesbian and gay individuals & LGBT couples, it would seem to me that the whole of my therapy service would cater well for those people who are not ‘out’:

Yet, perhaps, my counselling information is (unintentionally) aimed at those LGBT people who are already out and leading happy and successful lives, regardless of their sexuality, but who sometimes wishes to meet with an LGBT counselling to work through some issues.

Being in, and coming out of, ‘the closet’.

The term being in the ‘closet’ means that a person’s sexuality or gender-identification is something other than what appears to the public, but that the person has not yet made a public declaration.  The term goes hand in hand with the phrase ‘out’ or ‘outing’ meaning that when a person becomes known for their homo or bi sexuality, or desire for a change in gender, they have come out of the closet, or they have been “outed” by a third party.

It’s perhaps interesting that it is sexual minorities that have to go through this process, as it is perhaps assumed that a person is heterosexual, gender-phoric (as opposed to dysphoric) or cis-gender until other facts are known.

It’s perhaps also interesting that as more people – particularly role (or pseudo-role) models – announce their sexuality or gender-reassignment (or gender ambivalence as not transgender people feel the need to make a full transition from one gender to another) – the process of coming out of the closet (outing ones self) is becoming easier and more socially acceptable (Seidman, Meeks, and Traschen (1999) argue that “the closet” may be becoming an antiquated metaphor in the lives of modern day Americans).

Nevertheless, society still assumes one is a heterosexual cis-gendered person until one corrects the notion.

Not everyone wants to be ‘out’.

It would not be surprising that some people would benefit from discussing their sexuality with a helpful & friendly professional, someone with whom they might feel safe, in order to find support before they go through a (sometimes) traumatic process as outing themselves.

It is not the counsellor’s position to encourage self-outing (or maintaining self-closeting) as the decision for action is down the client, with the counselling processing being available to assist the client on reflection: pros, cons, effects, affects.  LGBT counselling is not a solution of itself but a helpful tool.

In closing, I hope this brief post goes some way to correct, clarify and reconcile my services into a clearer statement of some of the kinds of counselling services that I offer.

Other sites of interest: Counselling via Skype, Online Zoom Counselling, Havant Counselling & Counselling for LGBT Couples